Tuesday, June 30, 2009


I feel so fortunate to be able to pull out so many positive experiences from my sex,drugs and rock & roll life style as a young person. I know a lot of people who look back on their past excursions as some kind of shameful history never to be looked upon again. I'm sorry for you, that it was so dark you had no fun at all. I can identify with the darkness but choose to pull light out of any place I can. I would be one miserable son-of-a-bitch if all i saw was the darkness. Now that I think about it, I was one miserable S.O.B in my earlier days. Just a few years ago, when I had the misguided impression I was supposed to fit in with society. Uggg what a child I was.

So I will put away the whining and bitching of all that was DONE TO ME and celebrate and take credit for all that I chose to do.

I chose to have sex with many different people. An experience I never wish to take back. I learned so much and loved so deeply. Each one of my lovers taught me something, whether it be about sex itself, about being hurt, being loved, letting go and healing, or taking back my power and saving my soul.

So to Christopher my young love I wish you a happy life. I envision you living on some compound surrounded by beautiful naked women. Being free and loving your life fully.

To the other young loves I had (I won't name because they might actually find this someday) you were special too. My first boy in 7th grade, you fucking hurt me. Taught me what sex was NOT supposed to be. My first bj boy, you taught me NO teeth, oops sorry. My first ghetto boyfriend thanks for putting me in such peril all the damn time. I might have never known how others experienced violence. You mean it can come from places other than mommy and daddy?
My first college boyfriend (I was in 9th grade). I thought you were beautiful. I didn't see you as overweight, you could have totally gone out with someone your own age. Its ok, you were kind to me and did your best as a boyfriend.

Oh I must have special mention for another favorite. Nathan, my friend, my past lover, my teacher. You were and are magic, but you have always known that. You have more talent in your pinky than most people have in 80 yrs of life. You brought out in me what years of abuse from my family tried to squash down and totally ruin. You found the me I would have been if I had never been tainted by this world. I thank you for that. Since I do know how your doing, I can say, I'm not surprised and and quite pleased for you.

For the one timers and I don't remember your namers. I hope you enjoyed yourself. I hope I made some impression on you. If it were good or bad I don't mind, just something. I'm sorry I don't remember your names, ya know how it is when your young DUMB and full of cum. Well obviously you do. Thank you for showing me I was indeed worth so much more. The cold unloved feeling I was left with quickly made me realize I wanted more for myself. I wish only the best for all of you and hope you too came to the conclusion I did.

For the father of my first son. You really were one of the loves of my life. In my heart I have never wished ill will on you. Out of respect I say no more.

For the women who I had the good fortune to screw, make love to, fuck, and generally just devour. Thank you sweets. Thank you for sharing yourselves and your lives with me. My passions grew and I learned so much about who I am through loving you.

My favorite would be Katie. Oh Katie, you were a wonderful roommate,lover,counselor,friend, and teacher. You had your quirks, but the beauty and openness to understand me and share your knowledge has shaped who I am today.

My boy toys. You were cute, you were fun, you had no money and barely knew how to have a conversation but you made me feel young and that was needed at the time. I wish you all the best and hope you grew up well.

That one guy who tried to beat me. Thanks dude. I always wondered what I would do if some guy tried to fuck with me the way they always fucked with my mom. Now I know, I just don't take that kind of crap. I don't even mind that I had to go to jail for 4 days. Kicking your ass was worth it.

Random bar guy. I'm so glad I told your wife. That shit was just jacked up and it taught me that I am a good person and have no desire to harm anyone, no matter how much I may not like them.

My husband, seriously you are THE MAN. I was so excited when I finally got to meet you. I knew you were coming, I knew we would meet, and I knew we would be wonderful together but I had no way of fully understanding the greatness of US until it all came true. We are magic together. I love you more every time we touch. This is the stuff that makes life worth living. To finish out my days with you is all I desire or require. I look forward to more and more of you, my love.


  1. I just found your blog not too long ago, and have a few posts marked to come back and comment on, but this one? I just couldn't put aside and let it sit.

    I think what you wrote was beautiful - I've often found myself thinking the same thoughts (or similar) lately.

    Yeah, I was screwed up. I might regret a few things. But overall? I can't be ashamed of who I was anymore. I don't want to be. I was who I was for a reason, that was my way of coping, of learning, of dealing with it all. And until I learn(ed?) to let go of the shame and guilt - how the hell can I love myself?

    So - I've come to the decision of NO MORE. Yes, I would take back a few things, the ones that hurt those important to me. The rest? Are a part of my past, my history. Part of what made me who I am today. And now that I'm starting to like myself, I'm okay with that. Because I wouldn't be me without them.

    Just... wow. You really said it all, and so damn well, too. There's a lesson of some sort in everything. And this post gave me a shitload to think about as far as my own past. Thanks for that ;)

  2. The part about your husband tugged on my heart. Your words to him are so sweet.

    I totally know what you mean about accepting the good and bad experiences in the past. Through reflection, I've come to accept that without the pain, loss, and insecurity I wouldn't be where I am now. And, that's what matters. :)

  3. you are SO beautiful.

    I love you. :)

  4. Oh my I'm so glad I came back here to check and see if anyone read it. Thank you for your comments.

    Kay, your response moved me. Its the reason I share. I honestly hope to be moved and move others through sharing our experiences and insights.

    Personally I have been able to rid myself of ever saying "I would take that back". I think of it this way, If I happen to hurt someone else along my path then there was a reason for that also. Think about all the other people have learned or will learn from even the harm we may have caused through our own ignorance. If you and I can grow and learn from the pain that has been put on us the same goes for those we may have hurt.