Monday, October 12, 2009

I hate


That is all I hate. I tried to make a long list but my heart wont let me. So for now I can only think of Malls.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A Personal Letter Just For You

Dear friends and hungry voyeurs,

I was given the gift of my own blog site from a wonderful and talented friend. He is in the process of working with me to put it all together. I realize I have so much to learn and it will take some time. So in between fixing the problems of 4 other human beings lives I will be in MY NEW BLOG SITE working to create a reader friendly environment. I would appreciate any ideas or critiques on how I can improve the site. I have been overwhelmed with life and have not written anything new lately......DON'T GIVE UP ON ME! It is important to me that you are reading my words. You matter to me and your input is valued, so please don't be silent.

Onlyaman has already transferred all of my work from this blog to the new site so you can skip reading here and just go there. Here is hoping I am a talented enough parent to tire out the small people living in my home so I am free to write a new blog before I lose your attention.

See you in my new place,

Love Hope

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I'm Shoveling it

and I'm using my mini shovel.

I get these spectacular ideas from my everyday life and inspirations from wonderful writers. I feel the ideas well up inside of me and grow, like a flower being filmed on some nature show in fast forward. The seed is planted, the bud peeks out of the ground and before you know it you have a full on stem and leaf unfurling itself for all to see and all this within 30 seconds or so. That is how my ideas blossom. One problem, I'm scatter brained and unorganized. I get too many ideas and think they are all the bee's knees but before I get a chance to write them down or even jot a note on my had to recall the inspiration for later blogging, something comes along to distract, dismay or detour my enlightenment.

Currently I have a severe double ear infection my eustation tubes are full and I can't hear anyone unless they are looking right at me. My own words spoken are like a booming Megaphone only I can hear. When your voice is that loud, you realize you talk to damn much and maybe what you have to say really is not that important. I long for silence.

So I sit and I wait for my hearing to come back so I can once again fill my mind, my hand, my scraps of paper, and my blog with my mind boggling epiphanies and clusterfucks of spiffy ideas. I swear I have been having pages upon pages of mind blowing ideas. Unfortunately my illness and all my nagging children leave me with only the shitter invention. So it's all yours.

To keep things visually interesting here is my latest "clusterfuck" of an idea. Personally I don't think its such a bad idea. Of course my family laughs at me.

We are planning a roughin' it camping trip. The camp site does provide port-o-potties. I refuse to use a shared-shit-shack, that's just nasty as hell. My husband doesn't believe in spending a lot of money. So I have to get inventive using very little money sometimes.

Here you go:

First you need a head strap light(for those night trips to the shitter)

You need a 5 or 7 gallon bucket with the bottom cut out (so your shit can fall to the hole you have dug in the ground)

Use an old wire hanger to create a toilet paper holder and some toilet paper. Get your kids toilet ring so they don't fall in. Or you can go to your local R.E.I and get one of these.

You put it all together and you have sanitary shitters for you and your family.

Don't forget to buy a mini shovel for those shit holes

For my frugal husband, all this only cost us 9 bucks......the cost of the head light. Which I'm sure we will find many other uses for. The rest of it, we already had around the house. Unless you decide to chip in for the fancy potty seat for 12.99. Oooohh we could be livin' large darlin'.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Un planted and Unplugged

Lets begin with the Un planted portion:

The seed of truth has been revealed and pulled the hell out of Bek's ear. Thank God for medical technologies. You won't hear me say that often so when I do I mean it.

Holy crap Beks was in pain for over 3 weeks. We went through some serious bullshit to find the truth of what was ailing her. I'm glad I didn't just listen to the first doctor. He told us she just had a scar on her ear drum. Dumb fuck. Yeah just because you have a medical degree doesn't mean you get to be lazy with your observations. Shit head, made my baby go through another 7 days of unnecessary pain.

As stated in my previous post, I developed a slight obsession after purchasing my own otoscope so I could eye ball this source of pain myself. I was suspicious that this doctor didn't have it right, but of course we are trained from infancy to blindly trust the man in the white coat. "He will always know what is best for us", WHAT EVER.......SHEEP! Considering I did doubt my gut instinct that the doc was full of shit, I have to take responsibility for my girls pain.

A good observant and confident mother or father can know a lot more than an MD in most cases.

I couldn't take it anymore and made an appt for her with a different doctor. This doc put a tool in Bek's ear and that tool moved the "scar". Huh, a scar that moves and when it does, looks like a damn tiny apple seed.

The doc said, she didn't have the equipment to remove it because it was fused pretty firmly to the wall of the ear.

Here is the video of the specialist with the bad ass equipment to get 'ER done. He pulls it out pretty quick so I have added a picture of the culprit below.


Its a damn flax seed. Come to find out so many moons ago when I was telling her to NOT play in my flax seeds, (that I use to make hot/cold packs to sooth sore muscles) I wasn't just trying to be a controlling bitch of a mother and had a damn good reason for saying, "knock that off."

You know I had to rub this in a little with the snotty mouthed little 6year old. "Now honey, next time will you listen when mom says, don't rain flax seeds all over your head?"

NOTE: in the picture you see some stuff sticking up out of the seed. That is mostly wax but some was skin. Her skin was beginning to fuse to the seed.

Now for the Unplugged portion:

My Bek's is not only a snotty mouthed 6 year old. She is also bold, tenacious and quit thinking FLIPPIN GENIUS. I love you kid.

So as we are leaving and so very thankful to the specialist, Beks stops the doc and says,

"ya know my mom got this obsession with the ears ever since she bought herself an otoscope, so now she sees in her own ear and there is this giant glob of gross stuff in there she can't get out. I saw it. Its really gross, can you help her since we are already here?"

For no charge Mr. Cool Specialist man say, "sure, lets get that out."

I lay down and here is what happens

I know it doesn't look like much but trust me it was quite the impressive mass.

It all hits me after seeing this thing come out that I have been partially deaf for about 4 years now. I stopped using q-tips about 4 years ago when I learned they were really not helpful in removing wax. So that means this plug had to be there at least that long. Not to mention telling my husband (wrongly) for years he needs to stop mumbling, might have eventually jacked with my harmonious union.

You really know things were bad when you go to use the phone to tell your old man the exciting news and the ring tone hurts your ear drum so bad you drop the phone and want to cry.

I whispered for the first few days and the kids incessant screeching and howling hurt like a bitch but its all starting to feel normal. I do of course have super sonic hearing now.

Oh I can't wait for the next adventure.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

I Will Push You, and You Will Like It

or you can just leave now

You are on a road, you're heading places. The life you live everyday leads you to a new adventure. Take control of that adventure. Make it what you want it to be. Don't allow fears and doubts to weaken you. If you continue to let the fears drive, you will lose yourself and become one of drones in this world hobbling around on one brain cell being supported by every pharmaceutical imaginable. Those drugs are fine for those unable to climb out of their shit, but you are capable.

You hold yourself back, limiting your existence. You can do so much more. I hope you see it soon. Your family and friends are being strongly effected by your fears. The toxic words that flow from you are proof that the control is slowly slipping from your hands. You tell yourself you're not good enough. You say you just CAN'T do things.


I saw you take a chance. I saw you come out of your shell and be alive. You can do it. You are capable. You're such a beautiful person. I don't think you see it. Such a shame to be wasting the person you are meant to be. What a pathetic existence. If pity is what your after then turn and run from me. I won't pity you. I won't enable this behavior. I will challenge you and push your limits to help you create the person you want to be, back on the road you are meant for.

I have seen what happens when the weakness in people takes over. I refuse to condone or promote this in anyone I see on a regular basis. So know, if you are around me I will be up your ass to help you get better. I will set boundaries that may feel like rejection but I never reject. I only love. If I have to step back from your toxic behavior it's only so I can continue to be the strong person I need to be to help you get back up on your own two feet. So hopefully someday you too can push someone else to stand strong.

You can't tell me I just don't understand. I have been in the room of fear and so many other rooms of hell. I climbed out, and so can you. It's a slow process for most, I understand that. Some progress will be made though and you will move forward. Do it, I challenge you.

I call you out WOMAN.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Sevichi Is A Safe Alternative

Hold your loved ones close, cause this is going to get ugly.

There is a silent danger out in the stores. Just willy nilly left out on a shelf for anyone to purchase. You don't have to have a degree or a licence of any kind, just about eleven dollars.

This item is so dangerous it drove a perfectly sane woman to do this to herself.

So I am sending out this warning. Don't purchase one of these.
Its a bad no no stay away

OH the horrors it showed me


Inside my ears....NOOOOOOO

This one is the inside of my daughter's ear. She has a scar that is healing. This little scar was the entire reason for even considering such a dangerous (purchase)weapon of T.M.I

See the little scar? Isn't it so cute

So now that you have been warned, you may have some desire anyway to go out and do something horrible and buy one of these otoscope things. I implore you to please just read on and do what I suggest instead.

First purchase a nice pound or two of Halibut.
Then cube the Halibut
Then put it in a class dish so its all spread out evenly.
Squeeze 2.5 lemons and 3 Limes over the top of the Halibut
Let stand for at least 3 hours on the counter. Keeping it covered with saran wrap.

Now dice up a good handful of tomatoes
some cilantro (to your tastes)
roast a bell pepper then dice

Add all that stuff to your now citrus cooked fish. Sprinkle with some salt and pepper and mix

Then make some sort of taco or burrito with your delicious Sevichi

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Do NOT Self Diagnose

Little girl.

You lie.

You tell folks that care about you that you have some horrible life altering mental condition.

You are really OK.

You just need some reality without violence to scare off your old memories.

Your not seeing monsters and ghosties in your twilight hours.

Your mind is finally old enough to deal with the horrible things you saw as a wee one and its now releasing them into your consciousness.

You are not sick.

You will be ok.

Stop dooming your existence.

For goodness sake you are loved, trust that.....not the dark shadows of your lying mind.

Talk and ask questions EDUCATE yourself. The light will come.