MAGNIFIQUE LIBERTE

I feel so fortunate to be able to pull out so many positive experiences from my sex,drugs and rock & roll life style as a young person. I know a lot of people who look back on their past excursions as some kind of shameful history never to be looked upon again. I'm sorry for you, that it was so dark you had no fun at all. I can identify with the darkness but choose to pull light out of any place I can. I would be one miserable son-of-a-bitch if all i saw was the darkness. Now that I think about it, I was one miserable S.O.B in my earlier days. Just a few years ago, when I had the misguided impression I was supposed to fit in with society. Uggg what a child I was.


So I will put away the whining and bitching of all that was DONE TO ME and celebrate and take credit for all that I chose to do.


I chose to have sex with many different people. An experience I never wish to take back. I learned so much and loved so deeply. Each one of my lovers taught me something, whether it be about sex itself, about being hurt, being loved, letting go and healing, or taking back my power and saving my soul.

So to Christopher my young love I wish you a happy life. I envision you living on some compound surrounded by beautiful naked women. Being free and loving your life fully.

To the other young loves I had (I won't name because they might actually find this someday) you were special too. My first boy in 7th grade, you fucking hurt me. Taught me what sex was NOT supposed to be. My first bj boy, you taught me NO teeth, oops sorry. My first ghetto boyfriend thanks for putting me in such peril all the damn time. I might have never known how others experienced violence. You mean it can come from places other than mommy and daddy?
My first college boyfriend (I was in 9th grade). I thought you were beautiful. I didn't see you as overweight, you could have totally gone out with someone your own age. Its ok, you were kind to me and did your best as a boyfriend.

Oh I must have special mention for another favorite. Nathan, my friend, my past lover, my teacher. You were and are magic, but you have always known that. You have more talent in your pinky than most people have in 80 yrs of life. You brought out in me what years of abuse from my family tried to squash down and totally ruin. You found the me I would have been if I had never been tainted by this world. I thank you for that. Since I do know how your doing, I can say, I'm not surprised and and quite pleased for you.


For the one timers and I don't remember your namers. I hope you enjoyed yourself. I hope I made some impression on you. If it were good or bad I don't mind, just something. I'm sorry I don't remember your names, ya know how it is when your young DUMB and full of cum. Well obviously you do. Thank you for showing me I was indeed worth so much more. The cold unloved feeling I was left with quickly made me realize I wanted more for myself. I wish only the best for all of you and hope you too came to the conclusion I did.

For the father of my first son. You really were one of the loves of my life. In my heart I have never wished ill will on you. Out of respect I say no more.

For the women who I had the good fortune to screw, make love to, fuck, and generally just devour. Thank you sweets. Thank you for sharing yourselves and your lives with me. My passions grew and I learned so much about who I am through loving you.

My favorite would be Katie. Oh Katie, you were a wonderful roommate,lover,counselor,friend, and teacher. You had your quirks, but the beauty and openness to understand me and share your knowledge has shaped who I am today.

My boy toys. You were cute, you were fun, you had no money and barely knew how to have a conversation but you made me feel young and that was needed at the time. I wish you all the best and hope you grew up well.

That one guy who tried to beat me. Thanks dude. I always wondered what I would do if some guy tried to fuck with me the way they always fucked with my mom. Now I know, I just don't take that kind of crap. I don't even mind that I had to go to jail for 4 days. Kicking your ass was worth it.

Random bar guy. I'm so glad I told your wife. That shit was just jacked up and it taught me that I am a good person and have no desire to harm anyone, no matter how much I may not like them.

My husband, seriously you are THE MAN. I was so excited when I finally got to meet you. I knew you were coming, I knew we would meet, and I knew we would be wonderful together but I had no way of fully understanding the greatness of US until it all came true. We are magic together. I love you more every time we touch. This is the stuff that makes life worth living. To finish out my days with you is all I desire or require. I look forward to more and more of you, my love.

Path To Freedom

Step one: Take charge

Step two: Fully identify all wrongs done to you.

Step three: Forgive the wrongs and the offender

Step four: Start the healing and learning how to live the way you want to live.



Step one: You make a conscious choice to be an adult, to take charge of your life. No more are you the victim to be tortured by past offences or offenders. You certainly set boundaries and limits to stop any possible further offences to you (the scope of this can be immense). Sometimes this step alone requires the will of God to place it in your heart. Ask for it, you will receive it. Sometimes you already have it and just refuse to see it. For some this requires step THREE to come first. Some need to forgive to be able to take charge of their lives. Whatever gets you there baby. Just do it.


In step 2: Acknowledging it, even if no one else will. The only validation needed is yours. You know the truth. This is your life not theirs. While it may be comforting or pleasant to have someone else's approval or understanding its all just fluff. We are talking about saving your life. You don't require fluff for that. Drop the excuses, drop the but I should haves and straight up call out the persons deeds. This is what they are : A B C D E F........etc. Sometimes a list like this continues on into your healing stage. When you begin to heal you see all the things about your personality that the harm done to you squashed or hid from you.

Step 3: Forgive the wrong that was done to you. Let it go. You have not truly forgiven if you don't let it go. If it still eats away at you or you see no progress in your healing, you will go back to step one and start all over, because you obviously have not fully completed it. The fear in your heart will leave. Keep in mind the fear response of your body and mind will take a little longer to dissipate. Don't feel like you are letting them get "away" with something by choosing forgiveness. The forgiveness is for your sake not theirs. They will continue on in their life with or without your forgiveness, but you will carry what they did, with you everyday unless you forgive. You will continue to be the victim, only now you are doing it to yourself.


Step 4: Let the healing begin. This part plays itself out differently for everyone. Keep in mind, you do have a say in how this goes though. Pushing things in the back of your mind and pretending they never happened or never left a lasting effect on you is NOT healing. That is some scaredy cat bullshit. Don't do that. Be bold for yourself. Get professional help, read books, talk to others who have survived and moved forward positively with their lives. Be kind to yourself. Know that you will stumble, you will have flash backs, you will have feelings of anger and hate. Allow yourself to feel it all and with support safely move through it and past it. Trust my words, hiding in drugs or unhealthy relationships or whatever creative soul crushing, mind blowing idea you come up with, will only slow you down and you will either FAIL miserably or at best make you the one hurting your loved ones. You don't want that now do you?

When you achieve your freedom you will find many stages. Here are a few, yours may come in a different order or with different scenarios.

1: you learn that you really are worthy of being loved. No bullshit, this feels fanfuckingtabulous.

2: you find out you have been living the life of someone else. The someone the offender created. You begin to slowly create the person you choose to be. That is just fun as hell. Seriously.

3: You find it easy to do things you could never do before. Standing out in a crowd, being bold and upfront, or maybe its something like accepting yourself as shy if that is just your way. Not weak and meek but just a mellow watchful person who is curious of life and enjoys watching it quietly. That is really ok if that feels good to you (and its not out of fear).

4: Finding your sexy YOU. FREEDOM ORGASMS.........they are really wonderful.

5: Having no heavy weight on your heart. Having a clear conscience. The absolute knowing that you are not a victim anymore.

6: Being able to share the peace, knowledge,honesty and love that you gained from your journey with others who could use a lift up.

7: Looking in your children's eyes (if applicable) and knowing you have the understanding and know how to raise them to be able to love themselves as much as you love yourself. For real. Do that.

Think on that last one for a minute. How much do you want your children to love and accept themselves just as God made them. (If its not God then mix in your own idea of creator or self preservation concept). When you imagine how much you desire this for them, now give that same effort to your own journey. Your ARE just as important as those children. They need your example to follow. Give them a good one.

PEACE TO YOU ALL

Seriously Try It

I used to be insane, or maybe I was just a little crazy. Whatever, the label doesn't matter. What matters is what my behavior back then brought me to experience.

I had been on various medications. I'm pretty sure the doctors were experimenting most of this shit out on me. For real, who the fuck gives a 19yr old single mother on welfare lithium or klonopin and depakote and God knows what else cause I sure can't remember. They kept me pretty doped up. I couldn't feel anymore. I suppose that was a good thing. I was after all a single teen mother on welfare alone with an infant to care for and NO support system what so ever. Who wants to be present for that?

My symptoms included, checking doors and windows several times a day and night, often causing me to not be able to sleep at night because I was so scared someone was going to break in. I also obsessed on my baby daddy. I followed him if I could and sat outside the place he was with his child in my arms or in a stroller. I just stood there staring and stewing. Sometimes he would talk to me and I would get crazy bitchy on his ass. Hmmmm I wonder why, but I wont go into that just yet. This is not meant to be a bitch fest post. I also cried a lot. I felt down and didn't see a positive future. Some times I would get a burst of energy and feel like I was ok, I would clean my house an take my kid to the park and do normal happy things. That never lasted long.


So those were my symptoms and those fuckers put me on those strong drugs messing with my still growing body and mind. Am I upset about that? Yes I am. If they had simply put me in a therapists office and allowed me a safe place to share my life I might have been just fine. You see the real problem was never that I was crazy or bi-polar or whatever other messed up label they wanted to stick on me, it was just that I had a very hard life. One of the worst kinds of lives a child can have, riddled with sexual abuse, animal killing, physical and emotional abuse, forced to take part in adult acts with many adults, being told twisted lies of what should have been safe and sacred to any child, and the worst of all having no protector, no one to stand up for me and say NO MORE. It took me being old enough and big enough to be free of all that. It just seems so obvious to me now that if they had just asked me ANYTHING about my history they could have understood why I was a little unstable.

My suffering and symptoms continued into my 20's until I got a job at UCDavis and finally got off welfare and was able to afford "real" medical insurance. I had a panic attack at work. It was actually one of many but this time someone else noticed. I was unable to hide it and the cat came scratching and screaming out of the bag. A co-worker found me curled under a chair in a office that I thought was never used. Apparently people used it for breaks. She says I was not responding to her and had a glazed over look. Something must have triggered my memory of abuse and my mind chose to go bye bye for a while and my body did what it knew to do when the mind went bye bye and that was to hide. Its amazing what muscle memory can do for a person.

"When you're being hurt curl into a ball, they can hit less area if your in a little ball." This is from the mind of the victim, by no means do I think this way now.


So lets move on to the more pleasant point to his moment of sharing. I was given a real therapist. I was given regular sessions with her. We discovered together that I was in fact NOT bi-polar or any other diagnosis related to some kind of physiological malfunction. No I had post traumatic stress disorder. I had seen such horrific things and survived such horrible physical abuse that my mind was tormented with it all. I need to learn new ways to cope, not be drugged up.

The therapist immediately put me in a (then) new group session with specific therapeutic coping skills lessons. It is called DBT or

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

It says in most places it works for people with borderline personalities but back then it was experimental so anyone who was half way functioning in the real world was able to be in the class. YaY for me being half way functioning. I really did win on this one. This course save my life. It showed me an entirely new way to see life and view my past and deal with situations that otherwise would have put me under a chair or sweating and shaking in a closet.


One of my favorite techniques from the sessions was to not place any judgment or opinionated labels on anything or anyone. You would start out simple. On your lunch break, sit outside and just observe the clouds or buildings. Make mental notes of what you see.

Example:

the clouds are white. the clouds are moving westward from the wind.

the building to my left is black, It has 10 floors. It has windows. One window is broken.


Yes I know this sounds a little idiotic. But to the person who is overwhelmed with judgments and poisonous mental history being able to just be and see without placing judgment helps so much. I use this technique to this day over 10 yrs later. I still have the signs of panic attacks rise up in me. But I keep them at bay with this technique.

Example:

I'm walking into a crowded room full of people I don't know. This is a source of stress for me. Without DBT I would turn and run. But now, I walk in and to myself say,

" that person directly in front of me is wearing a blue shirt with stripes, he is a man, he has a mustache......etc" (this thought process stops my other thoughts, of "is he a child molester, is he going to rape me in the parking lot after this meeting......etc")

I focus on these little facts until I feel completely ready to take part in the occasion. I am walking and moving through the crowd and just stating facts to myself.

I do all of this now without even thinking. I have wonderful and healthy friendships, I don't allow unsafe people in my life, I have no drama, I am happy and secure.

I seriously advise anyone who might need this course, take it. You can order it on line and do it yourself, or see your therapist.

I Have My Eye On You

The Scorpion. Because you chose it. At 14 yrs old the scorpion seemed to be the only creature to fit you. Some day if you ever decide some other creature suits you better I have no problem letting you tattoo that creature on me.

I have my eye on you.

You Dj, because you are my first born. You changed my world, my way of thinking, and my heart. Your presents in this world made me see my life was worth living. You keep me going, you challenge me, you question me. You are amazing. Your heart is huge and you don't even know it yet. The turmoil you may experience now only means the man you will become is going to be wise and worthy of love and peace. Your art is amazing but you knew that. God gave you so many talents, never forget it. They are there under the surface waiting to be a part of your life. Do what you have to do now, be who ever you need to be for now and know that no matter what my love stands firm for you. You can never ever do anything to make me love you less. Just as it is with God it is with me.











The butterfly coming out of the cocoon. You chose the butterfly. Most likely because its PRETTY and that is just how you role. I chose to have you emerging from the cocoon to symbolize the growth and change you have brought to my life. Through you I learn more of what it means to be feminine and enjoy it. I know its a slow process for mommy but I'm working on my love.


I have my eye on you


You Rebekah, my whirlwind of feminine power. You have a spice to you that awakens my soul the true vigor and passion a young girl can have when given the freedom to do so. You have taught me so much in the short time I have known you. Your intellect has always astounded me. The fact that a small package like you can carry so much information is inspiring. I never want to drop the ball with you. You are my one and only female child and I will make sure you can live up to all your dreams and desires.

You will know unconditional love. I will do my very best to protect you without sheltering from all of life's joys and sorrows. I know you will be fine because you are too much like me. Your mouth is big and no one does you wrong and gets away with it.
HOOOYAHH BABY GIRL!









The blue lady bug. Well my sweet little boy. The lady bug was chosen for you because you just seemed to draw them to our home. During my ENTIRE pregnancy (even during times they should have been dormant) we saw lady bugs. They were in the yard, they came in the house, they were even in the yucky hospital room I had to give birth to you in. Yes living lady bugs crawling around in the light fixtures. I am told the presence of a lady bug is supposed to mean luck. I feel very lucky to always have you that is for sure. Well of course the lady bug had to be blue for Blu, that just makes sense.


I have my eye on you


You Blu, My second boy. My sweetest child yet. Your heart is sensitive and warm. You feel deeply and even with your somewhat limited vocabulary you express your feelings so well.
"Me love you so big much mommy, you are my most bestest mommy ever." These words and others like them stop me in my tracks several times a day. You have no idea now just how important your loving and honest words are to me. I can be having the worst day, everything feels like its spinning out of control and you come around with, "mommy, you read me now, you read a Bluey a story, Oh thank you mommy THANK YOU." I could cry right now just thinking about your bright eyes and how your face lights up when you snuggle up next to me in the big comfy chair to read those books.

Son you keep me sane, bring me down to earth where I belong. My center, my sweetness, my loving tender boy.

Oh but let me not forget to mention you are also the most adventurous and quirky little man right now. Jumping off the couch(teaching brother to do it too), throwing doo doo at the house(took hours to get off), putting all the butt wipes in the toilet at once($228.00 plumbing bill), oh and now opening the front door and taking your baby brother for a walk down the block while daddy was in the backyard doing yard work. Tisk Tisk my boy, you sure wont ever be called boring.









The turtle. For you the turtle was chosen. One reason was that turtles have the strength and determination to what nature intended for them to do. You ever watch one of those shows where the turtle has to fight the tides to get to the beach to bury its eggs and you will understand. Birthing the right way, they know what it takes and they do it. That was what you brought to my life. I learned with you inside of me how to birth the way my body was meant to birth. It took strength and determination and I did it.
Oh it also helps that while I was pregnant with you we rescued a 3 legged turtle and when it was healthy released it into the wild. That was fun.

I have my eye on you

You Greysin, I will always be thankful for the opportunity to birth you. What a time in my life. You are a testament to the strength it took. You carry with you that strength. You take so much shit from your brothers and sister and yet you stand tall. Sure you cry some now but shoot you are only 20 months old. You seem to have a bit of a stubborn streak. I wonder where that comes from......eh em.....not from me right?

You give the best hugs. Every morning I get to wake to your smiling face and your tiny arms around my neck. Your just now learning to really communicate well with your words. Your sign language is dwindling, but that's ok its the way it should be as you grow. I love it when you just want to lay on mommy. You lift my shirt and then lift yours and lay your naked tummy on mine. You hum a comforting hum and slowly melt into my body as if you never left it. If you end up being my last child I will be content and so lucky to have you and all the love and warmth you bring.

Let me not forget, you also like to wipe your boogers proudly on everything but tissue or your own shirt. You run when we need to change your diaper, you try to ride the dog, you stick your hand/fist in the dogs mouth all the time, you attack your brothers and sister randomly throughout the day and act like they started it. You are a brave boy and learn quickly. Your a lot of fun to raise.

Dont Put Baby In A Corner

I know I am the only one who can stand up and proclaim this, so I will.

"NO ONE PUTS HOPE IN THE CORNER"
not even Hope



That is how I'm feeling right now. Why I would ever associate myself with a timid girl brought out of her shell to show off her talents by an older man escapes me right now. The identification was strong for me so I went with it. To save myself from another dry patch of not writing I feel the need to do a good "vomiting" so I can hopefully be re-inspired to carry on.
Its therapeutic for me to write. I need to do it. I should not be so damn worried that I am not as sophisticated and well spoken as many of the works I have read recently. (and for fucks sake i just spent the last hour trying to link many of them but my computer kept freezing up every time.....grrrrrr)

I was trying to do all the right things. Read great books, read well written blogs, read a few reviews of writers. I even wasted some time reading bad blogs to see the direction I don't want to go. All of this lead me to the lovely place of comparisons. Me judging myself against these others. Oh that shit just pisses me off. I have spent so many years working the fucked up judgemental bullshit out of my repertoire(courtesy of my lovely well meaning mother). It's something I pride myself on not doing to total strangers, why do I think its going to be productive to do it to myself. I don't. I know its wrong.

Letter to Self:

To the chick hiding in the corner,

Oh just knock that shit off Hope, really. You are you.....you have not lived the life of those people, they have not lived yours. Each persons path is unique to their life and shutting yourself off because someone else can use bigger and more eloquent words, only makes you a wimp and a loser. To give up, means it's really not that important to you.

Stand up do what you want and write write write. It feels good doesn't it? Yes it does! Go with that. Be a dork, be sexy, be creative, fuck it be boring if that's all you have that day. Just keep writing.

Sincerely,

Your Balls from deep with in




Ok. I did it. I broke my short spell of silence.

Inspiration I'm looking for you and Muse you better be ready to work.

I can read those other works and be inspired by fellow writers. I can learn from them and move my own passion forward and watch it grow into something great for me and if I'm lucky others will enjoy it also.

Go with the flow

I met the me of 20yrs from now. She is wonderful. Long flowing gray hair, skin worn but in all the right smile line places, eyes bright, and mood optimistic. Her body is plump but she doesn't show any signs of shame. Her manner is flowing and friendly and open she is very receptive. She is living happily with her husband and last few children under 18yrs old. Taking time to go to college, paint, read, inspire,love,being bold, fearing nothing, listening to those little voices and believing the inspirational premonition style dreams that have filled our minds since we can remember dreaming.

What a blessing it was to speak with her today. It's not often you meet someone of such a drastically different age that can relate to you so well. We shared our various stories over a period of maybe 4 hours. I asked her questions as if I might never see her again. I felt as if I were in a story I read once by Richard Bach called "The Bridge Across Forever".



Considering I had just met this woman here in my front yard during my yard sale, you might think I was being forward asking such questions as, " why didn't you choose to tell him you lost the babies?" or "do you have any techniques to improve how often you have those kinds of dreams?" Even though I believe she knew I only asked the questions to confirm my own suspicions that I already knew the answers. My questions flowed to her and were received warmly. She answered openly and honestly and with great detail. As I would to anyone who asked me anything. I am always amazed when I can have such a strong connection to someone like this (without the aid of shrooms). She understood me as I understood her. It was like we really were one person standing in this yard at 2 different stages of our one life.

So, once again I am thankful for going with the flow of the day. My plan to have a successful yard sale were stamped out by the entrance of this charming lady. She was my first customer selling her 50 dollars worth of my stuff, which she picked out and paid for during the first 5 minutes she was on my lawn. During the time she and I spoke(4hours) we were only interrupted once by a woman who was 87 years old. I don't want to freak you out but she too was a wonderful and bold person with stories of strength and triumph. She left after only 30 minutes as she was quite tired and needed to rest and we understood. Her presence was also a good and warm feeling. Hours later it occurred to me how she too was connected to this experience we shared.

I'm going to set up again for another yard sale tomorrow. My hope is my future self will return and we can sit and talk for a few more hours. Understanding that life doesn't always flow how I want it to, I might just end up with selling all my crap and making 300 dollars. That would work for me too.

Urban Dictionary

I swear I didn't know this existed. I was on a different computer and was looking for my blog. I typed in hopenminded and the search came back with this . I had no idea there was a dictionary entry on me.

It made me giggle inside as I thought of the many people who really did NOT like me when they first met me (online). After some time of them tolerating my "hippie dippie happy" view on life and my openness to most ideas, no matter how strange they seemed to main stream society, most of these people came to understand me better and most actually like me. A few just tolerate me or ignore me and I'm ok with that. I understand everyone is different and needs different influences in there life.

I am always amazed at this life we live. It's such a fun journey. I love the growth and change that comes with age and experience. I don't know exactly why I get to be so (for the most part) peaceful NOW, but I am so thankful for it. Maybe its true that all things must have balance in life. My childhood was the stuff of horror movies, so it only makes sense that now I should be happy and safe.

I have a strong passion to give peace to others. I want so much to bring them this feeling I have. I am not exactly sure how to do it. I'm searching for my way in this one. I know I wont fit into a traditional therapists "chair". No I need something with a wider spectrum. I need to be free to give the truth from my heart and mind not from just a text book. I think they call these people Life Coaches. Sounds kinda wacky to some, but in my search I have found so many people looking to Life Coaches to help them change their lives. What a wonderful way for me to share my Hopenmindedness.