Dont Put Baby In A Corner

I know I am the only one who can stand up and proclaim this, so I will.

"NO ONE PUTS HOPE IN THE CORNER"
not even Hope



That is how I'm feeling right now. Why I would ever associate myself with a timid girl brought out of her shell to show off her talents by an older man escapes me right now. The identification was strong for me so I went with it. To save myself from another dry patch of not writing I feel the need to do a good "vomiting" so I can hopefully be re-inspired to carry on.
Its therapeutic for me to write. I need to do it. I should not be so damn worried that I am not as sophisticated and well spoken as many of the works I have read recently. (and for fucks sake i just spent the last hour trying to link many of them but my computer kept freezing up every time.....grrrrrr)

I was trying to do all the right things. Read great books, read well written blogs, read a few reviews of writers. I even wasted some time reading bad blogs to see the direction I don't want to go. All of this lead me to the lovely place of comparisons. Me judging myself against these others. Oh that shit just pisses me off. I have spent so many years working the fucked up judgemental bullshit out of my repertoire(courtesy of my lovely well meaning mother). It's something I pride myself on not doing to total strangers, why do I think its going to be productive to do it to myself. I don't. I know its wrong.

Letter to Self:

To the chick hiding in the corner,

Oh just knock that shit off Hope, really. You are you.....you have not lived the life of those people, they have not lived yours. Each persons path is unique to their life and shutting yourself off because someone else can use bigger and more eloquent words, only makes you a wimp and a loser. To give up, means it's really not that important to you.

Stand up do what you want and write write write. It feels good doesn't it? Yes it does! Go with that. Be a dork, be sexy, be creative, fuck it be boring if that's all you have that day. Just keep writing.

Sincerely,

Your Balls from deep with in




Ok. I did it. I broke my short spell of silence.

Inspiration I'm looking for you and Muse you better be ready to work.

I can read those other works and be inspired by fellow writers. I can learn from them and move my own passion forward and watch it grow into something great for me and if I'm lucky others will enjoy it also.

Go with the flow

I met the me of 20yrs from now. She is wonderful. Long flowing gray hair, skin worn but in all the right smile line places, eyes bright, and mood optimistic. Her body is plump but she doesn't show any signs of shame. Her manner is flowing and friendly and open she is very receptive. She is living happily with her husband and last few children under 18yrs old. Taking time to go to college, paint, read, inspire,love,being bold, fearing nothing, listening to those little voices and believing the inspirational premonition style dreams that have filled our minds since we can remember dreaming.

What a blessing it was to speak with her today. It's not often you meet someone of such a drastically different age that can relate to you so well. We shared our various stories over a period of maybe 4 hours. I asked her questions as if I might never see her again. I felt as if I were in a story I read once by Richard Bach called "The Bridge Across Forever".



Considering I had just met this woman here in my front yard during my yard sale, you might think I was being forward asking such questions as, " why didn't you choose to tell him you lost the babies?" or "do you have any techniques to improve how often you have those kinds of dreams?" Even though I believe she knew I only asked the questions to confirm my own suspicions that I already knew the answers. My questions flowed to her and were received warmly. She answered openly and honestly and with great detail. As I would to anyone who asked me anything. I am always amazed when I can have such a strong connection to someone like this (without the aid of shrooms). She understood me as I understood her. It was like we really were one person standing in this yard at 2 different stages of our one life.

So, once again I am thankful for going with the flow of the day. My plan to have a successful yard sale were stamped out by the entrance of this charming lady. She was my first customer selling her 50 dollars worth of my stuff, which she picked out and paid for during the first 5 minutes she was on my lawn. During the time she and I spoke(4hours) we were only interrupted once by a woman who was 87 years old. I don't want to freak you out but she too was a wonderful and bold person with stories of strength and triumph. She left after only 30 minutes as she was quite tired and needed to rest and we understood. Her presence was also a good and warm feeling. Hours later it occurred to me how she too was connected to this experience we shared.

I'm going to set up again for another yard sale tomorrow. My hope is my future self will return and we can sit and talk for a few more hours. Understanding that life doesn't always flow how I want it to, I might just end up with selling all my crap and making 300 dollars. That would work for me too.